we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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