I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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