this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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