and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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