I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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