God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
