Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
