dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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