Small penises have feelings too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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