Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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