I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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