Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I hate all girls vehemently.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I smell stomach acid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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