you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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