Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
