I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
