Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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