i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
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I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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