Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Found your dick twin last night
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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