my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
