I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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