I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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