it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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