Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
