this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
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