My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
