brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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