I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
