I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this beer tastes like vomit already
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
