The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
