Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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