Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
