dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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