I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
