He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
