Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
