I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
