I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
