I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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