just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
