I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
this boner is exhausting
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
