Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
sex in a hospital.. check
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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