so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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