you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
