Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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