She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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