wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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