Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
