this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
pop tarts are not kleenex
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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