Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
