you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
