i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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