My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
