It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
